The real reason Lord Kazzak opens the Dark Portal (WoW:BC Story)

January 10 2007

Here, the (Un)Official lore on the opening of the Dark Portal.

(Scene: Kazzak's Patrol Path)

Kazzak: This sucks. All I do is get grinded by level 60s.
Generic Demon: You could go to Outland! I hear that area is controlled by the Legion!
::Kazzak crushes Generic Demon::
Kazzak: Ill do it! Ill go to Outland!

(Cue: Kazzak Theme Song)
Here he comes!
That Demon Man!
Crushing his foes!
With his bare hands!

Hes havin' troubles!
So hes movin'!
To where he can live free!
From Players like you or me!

(Kazzak! Kazzak!)

Lord of the Demons!
King of Evil!
Bringer of Death!
Destroyer of All Things Civil!

(Kazzak! Kazzak!)

Hes got the plan!
Hes got the power!
Hes getting stronger!
By the hour!

(Kazzak: RAWRRR!)

(End song)

(Scene: Random Swamp)

Other Demon: Are you sure it is here master?
Kazzak: Of course I am! It should be just over THERE!
(A large Temple comes into view)
Other Demon: Wow.
Kazzak: Behold my minions! The Temple of Wal Mar't!
::Kazzak & Co. enter the Temple::

Spirit: Who dares disturb my rest?!
Kazzak: I, Kazzak, Demon of the Legion!
Spirit: Demon?! How may I assist you today?
Kazzak: I am here for the Artifact. Take me to it or DIE!
Spirit: Right this way, sir.
::Spirit takes Kazzak to another part of the temple::
Spirit: Here you are, sir, the artifact.
Kazzak: What is this?! I am not here for pans and pillows! I am here for a powerful Artifact!
::Kazzak punches a pillow, causing it to incinerate Other Demon::
Kazzak: Now take me to the real Artifact!...and get me a few of these...
::Spirit takes Kazzak to a different area of the Temple::
Spirit: Here you are, sir.
Kazzak: This is not the Artifact! I will have to find it myself!
::Kazzak destroys Spirit::
Kazzak: Spread out! Search the Temple!

Generic Demon II: Master! Master! I think I have found it!
Kazzak: Where?! Show me!
Generic Demon II: Here Master!
::Generic Demon II reveals a World of Warcraft disc::
Kazzak: You FOOL! This is not the Artifact! You will suffer for your incompetence!
::Kazak crushes Generic Demon II::
Kazzak: Wait...back here.
::Kazzak pushes WoW aside revealing the fabled disc.::
Kazzak: Excellent! The Disc of the Burning Crusade is MINE!
::Kazzak & Co. leave the temple with the Disc, 4 Magic Pillows, 3 Boxes of Cereal, 2 Bags of Cat Food, and a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD::

(Cue Music)
Hes got the plan!
Hes got the power!
Hes getting stronger!
By the hour!

(End music)

(Scene: The Dark Portal)
Kazzak: Keep the mortals away while I activate the artifact.
Demons: Yes master!
::Kazzak approaches the Dark Portal, disc in hand.::
Kazzak: Oh mighy Portal! (Thunder crashes) Open for me!
::The Disc Drive on the side of the Portal opens::
Kazzak: Excellent.
::Kazzak inserts the disc::
Kazzak(while watching the "Artifact Installation" screen on the Portal): Lets see, Agree, Agree, Next, Next, Next, Install. There!
::Minutes pass, Kazzak notices his demons losing ground::
Kazzak: Fight, you fools! Failure is not an option!
::The Installation is complete! The Portal opens with a thunderous roar! Kazzak removes the disc.::
Kazzak: Alright! Anyone who isnt dead or dying follow me through the portal!
::Kazzak & Co. flee through the portal::
Kazzak: Finally, freedom.
::Kazzak brings up the Installation screen on the Portal::
Kazzak: Aaaand, Uninstall! This ought to slow them down! Hahaha!
::Kazzak breaks the disc::

(Scene: Dark Portal, Azeroth)
Human: Dammit! He got away! And with the disc no less. No matter. Men! On my mark, through the Portal!
::The Portal closes::
Human: Dammit! You there! Inform Stormwind of these events, see if they cant make a copy of the Disc he used!
Footman: Aye, sir!
::Footman leaves::

(Time Passes...)
::Footman returns::
Footman: Sir! Stormwind informs me that a copy of the disc should be ready in a week or two!
Human: *Sigh* Oh well, inform the Alliance to make camp near the portal. Ensure that no Horde get near it!
Footman: Aye, sir!

(Kazzak! Kazzak!)


1 Responses to “The real reason Lord Kazzak opens the Dark Portal (WoW:BC Story)”

  1. 1) Nathan T. Freeman says:

    ...are seriously geeky.

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